Where to begin where to begin where to begin. Perhaps I should do what Stephanie Meyer should have done, and not write about things that shouldn’t be written about.
I have friends who believe in the sanctity of the written word, who believe that serious news should be written in letters or emails or on facebook walls. This is not something I agree with. If you tell someone something they don’t want to hear, they only have to hear it once. They can’t replay it over and over again, drinking a bottle of wine and sobbing along to Adele’s album. I’ve lost my train of thought.
Yes. There are things better left unwritten. An odd and ironic thing to write on a blog, perhaps, but true nonetheless.

Start as you mean to go on, but the climb from the bottom will make you strong.

It’s nearly 7am apparently. I totally thought it was like 3, but I got caught up watching Inside the Actors Studio. It’s never something I want to watch, but when tv offers little else I’ve been known to take a gander. I always enjoy it to be fair.
Honestly, I shouldn’t be allowed to watch anything inspiring. It’s like my brain just goes FZZT! I want that, I want to do that, I want to be that. After watching the glorious Bradley Cooper talk about his roots and fully comprehending the idea that he’s living his dream I just feel so insanely jealous that I want to bang my head against a wall. Well, that’s a slight exaggeration…I want to re-write and storyboard my dissertation and research and revise and chop and change and watch the sun come up and stop time. I want to know that I can do this.
But I can’t do any of these things because it’s nearly 7am and I haven’t slept and my head’s already feeling thick and my mouth’s dry.
At least I can watch the sun come up.

I have finally found something to cure my blues concerning the future. For a few weeks now I’ve been practically crying over the future, regretting my past and trying to prolong the present. Why didn’t I spend more time on extra-curricular activities? Why did I waste my money on that crap? Why have I done nothing with my life? Stop the world I want to get off etc etc…
Anyway. When times get tough I need to de-clutter my brain and organising my new Filofax (vintage Portobello, in case you cared) seemed to calm me down a bit. I ended up creating a yearly plan, with rough dates and simple goals for the whole year. I suddenly feel a lot calmer and - dear God - I hope it lasts! I just need a bit of money and I’ll be stellar, son!
Happy 2012!

I just finished watching Black Swan and wow. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not late to the party. I saw it at the cinema and I loved it then too, but seeing it again was a genuinely world-shifting experience. The first time I saw it I somehow blanked on how crazy and obsessed Nina was. I took the side of ‘why doesn’t everyone just leave her to her practise??’ as opposed to ‘back up and mind your business.’ My first viewing I very much saw myself in Nina…obsessive, misunderstood, driven and motivated. My second viewing I saw how everyone else would see her - too far gone, cracked and unsalvageable.
It’s a good film for me to watch. With a list of goals, aims and resolutions the length of my arm, I really need something to dredge up some of my infamous obsessive motivation. You may think the point of the film has been lost on me and - truth be told - it may have been.
xox

Well guys, it’s been a hell of a year and all I can say is THANK CHRIST it’s over! The best thing to come out of this year was a shiny new iPhone (thanks Santa) and severe emotional scarring (thanks life). Still, all things must come to an end. Even the bad things.
My plans for New Year - as is fast becoming tradition - are meagre but should be fun. For once in my life I plan to herald in the new year and throw myself at the challenges that face me (passing Uni with a decent grade, getting a job, moving out) as opposed to shrinking away and getting others to fight my battles. As a wise hobbit once sang, ‘the road goes ever on and on’ so keep calm and carry in.
I think sleep deprivation may have confused me so I’d best retreat to bed where I’ll most likely dream of torture and Filofaxes (thanks Santa!)
Have a good one! Let’s hope it gets better…

I inhale the smoke from a burning cigarette
held between two stained fingers that are not mine.
I am talking to a boy too cheap to offer me more
than just the one toke.
His fingers are not those of a guitarist,
though he tells me otherwise.
He tells other lies, too,
and I pretend to believe him,
ignoring the plump look of youth about him,
and agreeing with every word he says.
He sips vodka from a flask and winces,
trying hard to disguise his distaste for this,
Whilst I suckle at the flask like a child on a breast,
swallowing with the same ease as you might
water from a tap.
I ask him, again, for a smoke
and again, he says no, yet, again, holds out his fingers,
and expects me to toke, dependent on him.
And I do, because it’s all I can do.

©LBrown.

Christ, is it possible that I’m actually typing words for FUN?! Good God it’s…it has to be a lie! But no, it’s not, this is actually happening, I’m actually typing words that you’re actually reading. What a world, eh?

I’ve been worker than normal people can comprehend. I’m doing about 4/5 hours work on my deadlines per day, plus uni classes, plus uni reading and half a social life and 3 days a week without sleep. Seriously, I’m surprised I’m still going. Oh and I got Skyward Sword and - even better - No More Heroes 2. If you haven’t played that then

It’s 8am and I feel like doing something different. I’d like to go out onto the hills and paint a portrait or delve deep into the city with a badass camera and get all snap-happy. I’d like to do something new today. Problem is I don’t live near hills and can’t paint for shit…also it’s kinda cold to be out and about and my camera screen got smashed so taking pictures is a bit hit and miss. Today I’ll probably stay in bed all day doing nothing of interest. Oh, I guess I should clean my hamster cage too.
There’s something disturbingly beautiful about early mornings. I hate how late the sun rises now, and how the mornings are always a dirty grey colour instead of a fiery red. But mentally, I mean, the morning after the night before is always a good time to get creative. New start new day new weather new people. New opportunites that are always squandered…for me, anyway.
For those of you that have found my through my twitter and wonder about my personal life, I shall provide. With only a few months left of university I’ve started to develop a soul-crushing fear of the future. Fear is affecting my sleeping, which means I now have an extra 8 hours to write my dissertation. It’s going swimmingly before you ask.
Yes it is Christmas soon and no, I’m not interested. Christmas is next week and I’m so far away from jazzed I could play a bad guy in a Disney movie. We’ll leave that for another ramble/documentation of my final year of student-hood.
Happy December!